alexlillian

alexlillian @ 2006-09-07T17:48:00

2006-09-08T03:48:18Z

Freckled paleness, flaxen beauty.
Your dancer's feet are lighter than mine,
Your eyes bluer, your strength steadier.
I held on to your hand, certain of my salvation.
But it was I who ended up dragging you down,
Bleeding and counting and coughing.
We are not ourselves anymore, we are not eachother as we like to think.
We are just two hands afraid to let go
And face our solidarity.

alexlillian @ 2006-08-23T21:09:00

2006-08-24T07:09:07Z

i'm sick of all my self-indulgent livejournal entries, but here's another:

it's nothing new, but i can't express how intensely worthless i feel. i feel like i'll never succeed at anything. i used to love writing and drawing but it's gotten to the point where i feel stupid about sharing any of it, because i fall so short of everyone else's accomplishments. i just wish i had some sort of talent, but i don't. nothing. i'm embarrassed by my hopes and dreams because they're so far-fetched. i'm just some walking, breathing, waste of a life. i'm so privileged in so many ways, and i wish someone else could have been born in my place. i just want to die, quite simply. i pray for a fatal car crash to take my life, or for some freak accident to just end it all. but at the end of the day it always comes down to a boy. and i don't know. i just... i just don't know why he doesn't care about me. i mean, i can list a million of my character flaws and physical imperfections, but he says he thinks i'm pretty, he says he loves me (as a friend, at least), and we can talk for hours on end about everything and nothing. so why? why can't he just commit? even a little bit. how can he have feelings for me one day and shut them off the next? all i want is for him to want me, and just me. i don't want there to be a fucking list of girls that are going to come after me. i want to understand him. i need for him to spell out completely how he feels about me, because i'm going insane wondering. it's gotten to the point where i'm not even interested in him anymore (well, i am, but i like someone else). i just don't think i'll ever be able to let go of him until we can either concretely be or not be. and it hurts. really, really badly. i wish i meant something, you know? i just never measure up in any area of my life. i feel like i have no unconditional love in my life. except for maybe my dad. he's great, usually. i just don't get it from my mom, and certainly there is no unconditional love from your friends, no matter how much you care about each other. basically, i'm bummed.

alexlillian @ 2006-08-02T21:08:00

2006-08-03T07:08:19Z

I hate life. I have nothing to be upset about, I just am. I feel like a shit for going to group therapy with a girl whose dad is an alcoholic, a girl whose parents have isolated her from the world because she is bisexual, and three other individuals who I admire and respect, because of their strength and the maturity they posess, even though they don't see it. I'm so fortunate, and yet, I'd still kill to be them.

alexlillian @ 2006-06-24T21:45:00

2006-06-25T07:45:17Z

I don't want to get over you.
I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through.
I guess I should take Prozac, right,
And just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet
And kind who would try to get you off my mind.
I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to,
But I don't want to get over you cause
I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
And not have to dream of what I dream of;

I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
Or I could make a career of being blue
I could dress in black and read Camus,
Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream
But I don't want to get over you.

alexlillian @ 2006-06-21T19:18:00

2006-06-22T05:19:00Z

Also:

I'm missing a few people so much right now. Some of them are across the ocean, and some are down the street. Either way, they're still miles away from me. It's that kind of distance that can only be closed physically. Emotionally, we'll always be far way. Why do all of my favorite songs remind me of them? The scent of my perfume, every piece of jewelry I own... it's all memories of people I've loved and lost. I know I'm probably kidding myself, but I feel like I'm falling apart. And I think I'm losing it now, because when I used to get like this, where I turn out the lights in my bedroom, crawl under the covers and weep, I always had one of them to save me. They were the people who knew me so well. They didn't even have to know I was sad, but just hearing their voice made everything go away. I feel so hopeless. But also, I'm confused, because this morning all I could think about was how great everything was.

alexlillian @ 2006-06-21T18:45:00

2006-06-22T04:45:59Z

Yet another thing I shouldn't talk about in a livejournal: Sex.
I don't know where to begin.. but it seems like that subject is absolutely everywhere lately. I'm buying condoms for friends, I want to go on the pill, some of my best friends have already done "it". I feel like I've been sleeping through my adolescence, and have woken up somewhere in the middle of everyone else's sexual coming of age. When did everything become so casual? It was only a few years ago that we were all spelling out the word, instead of just coming out and saying it. SEX. Is it a big deal? I feel like to me, no, it isn't. I feel like I'm ready. More than that. I feel like it's something I want to do. I want to be safe and mature about everything. I'm going to smart, emotionally. But at the same time, I'm scared... and I can't see it ever happening. And truth be told, I think my only reservation about having sex (besides my crippling insecurities) is that I feel like once I'm not a virgin anymore, I'll officially be a different person. Right now, I'm caught between the Old Me and the New Me. The Old Me was more of a prude than anyone I'm friends with now could even imagine, and the New Me is someone that all of my old friends are slightly afraid of. The New Me is the Alex that gets in trouble with grades, she smokes pot and cigarettes, she drinks, she makes out with boys who aren't her boyfriend. The Old Me is a virgin, and the New Me isn't. So once I take that final step, and lose it, I'll be forever killing that Old Me. And I'm terrified of doing that. I feel childish and naive, and I'm making myself sick.

And by the way, Elena, I'm sorry but I may have to discontinue this livejournal because I've been looking at my entries and they all piss me off.

K Lates.

alexlillian @ 2006-06-18T21:41:00

2006-06-19T08:20:28Z

I know it's stupid to post such personal stuff on a livejournal, of all things, but only two of my best friends are going to read it (if anyone), so it's not such I big deal. Anyway...
I kind of feel like
a.) I have no control over my life.
I feel like I can't make decisions, both important and basic. I know this is pretty trivial, but it's stressing me out and I don't know what to do about it. I'm supposed to be doubling up on my medication, but ever since I started I've been a total insomniac. So the doctor prescribes another pill, some sort of weird anti-depressent/sleeping pill hybrid or whatever to take at night. I know it shouldn't, but it really weirds me out, and I haven't been able to bring myself to take the sleeping pills. My other option was to cut back on the prozac, but when I did I went right back to feeling exhausted all the time and depressed. It feels like I have to choose between functioning during the day and sleeping. For now, I've decided to keep taking all the prozac. And I have to admit, one of the reasons why I chose to do that was because the prozac suppresses appetite, and I've been feeling grossly obese lately. In a weird way, though, I feel like I'm not in control of much else. On one hand, I'd really like to cut back on smoking so much weed, both for Becca and for myself. I'm probably imagining it, but I just feel... slower. But at the same time, I don't want to give it up completely, because it's such an easy way to relax. It's going to be hard. And I feel almost like it's out of my hands, because I'm so awful at commiting to things. I know I'll just have to work hard, and I hope to god I can. On the other... I don't know. I can't put my finger on it, but there's some feeling there, like I'm watching my life happen but I'm not living it. It's not such a good feeling. In fact, it's rather frightening, and I don't know if it's the kind of thing one ever grows out of.
b.) My family life is falling apart.
My mother has always been, to say the least, somewhat high-strung. She's weirdly anal about really insignificant stuff, and she's also really hard on me and on herself. She's always been very critical of my weight, and while I'm not blaming her for my self-esteem issues, I guess I do carry a certain sensitivity to comments she makes to me about my appearance. I think I also have some resentment towards her, because I wished I had a mom who told me I was perfect and beautiful, even if I did look like a whale. I try so hard to be thin and pretty... and it means nothing to her. I've gained some weight recently... and it's really been bothering me. I can't stand the sight of myself. I hate the way I look. I'm always stressing out and worrying that everyone will notice that I've gotten fat. And, of course, my mother is the first person to point out that I'm not looking so good. She makes jokes about the munchies, and told me that I should stop smoking pot because I've gotten fat. Or that if I do get the munchies, I should have a cigarette instead of food. Every single time I eat at home she judges me. She tries to make me run every day. She used to pretend that she thought it would help with my depression, but she doesn't even do that anymore. I want so badly to just lose the weight, and just get back to where I used to be. I miss being unhealthy. I miss having my dad or my hairdresser or anyone telling me that I look too skinny. I miss the doctors asking questions. God, I hate myself so much. It feels so good to starve sometimes. I've been doing it on and off, but the fucking meds make everything so inconsistent. So I've made no progress, and I'll be going to New York totally fat. I need to get back on track. Maybe I just need to remember how good it can feel. But anyway, back to my mother. So, she's anal about a ton of stuff. She sees everything as a metaphor. I forget to turn the lights off, or I leave a dish unwashed, and suddenly I'm a failure. "Alex, you're almost sixteen. You're going to leaving soon. You should be ready to be an adult!" It's always the same argument. I don't know why, but I keep putting my permit test off. This is totally my fault, and me being weird. I don't get why I won't take it. I want to drive... I'm just so afraid of not passing. I get that I'm being ridiculous. But my mom is being totally insane. She sees this as yet another metaphor for something I can't accomplish. She's angry at me for not taking it yet. And she's just falling apart in general. Ever since I started getting treatment/ was diagnosed my mom has been a total wreck. She thinks it's her fault, and she keeps screaming at me to tell her what she did wrong. She has a book contract, and she has to finish the manuscript by the end of the summer. She's not nearly finished, and she should be working like crazy. But instead she's freaked out over me and my mental state. I keep telling her that she doesn't need to worry, that I've been feeling like this for a long time, but she thinks everything is different now. My mom won't let me be alone in the house. She won't let me sleep over at anyone's house. She thinks I'm going to do something bad. And I can't convince her otherwise. She's angry and resentful towards my father, who's incredibly sweet (if not a little oblivious), because he doesn't worry as intensely as she does. She feels like she has no one to talk to. I told her she could talk to me, but she just said that she can't, because I don't tell her anything. I'm such a bad daughter. I hate myself so, so much. I've ruined her life. She's more depressed than I am now, and it's all my fault. Why did I have to be such a stupid, emo, whiney bitch? Ugh. I just want out. Of everything. That sounds so overly dramatic/suicidal, but that's not what I mean at all. I just mean it would be nice to completely start over... make a completely different life or something.

alexlillian @ 2006-06-14T21:01:00

2006-06-15T07:01:55Z

Sobriety, day one:

I felt pretty low, but I had a really good time galavanting with Becca.

This whole insomnia issue has opened up a can of worms. This summer is fucked up.

Epiphany

2006-06-14T07:43:43Z

So, I'm drunk and I'm stoned and I'm sure everyone thinks I'm pathetic, but to be honest, I really don't care. Because this afternoon/evening I realized that it REALLY IS SUMMER. Really and truly. I've never felt the same emotions about Summer as I'm feeling now, because I've always been in such a structured environment. I've been so bitter and angry and self-indulgent lately that I can't remember the last time I actually appreciated a moment, or an hour, or a day. But today was amazing. And so was yesterday. I met new people and let go of my inhibitions (well, some of them). It's just utterly amazing. I feel incredibly euphoric right now, which is slightly unnerving, because the last few weeks have been really difficult for me on a personal level. Also, I've realized that Summer is just a culmunation of everything fun and fabulous and everything you loved during the school year that you did on weekends-- Only, now you can do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. This dawned on me tonight, as I sit in my room surrounded by my favorite things, engulfed in smoke from marijuana and my favorite incense, drunk off my ass, and watching tv. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. I love my friends. I love my parents. I love this computer, I love the internet, I fucking love myspace. I love matches, I love yearbook pictures, I love my pipe. I love plaid and my ipod. I wish that every day could be like today. I love everyone.